September 24^th, 2018

I think I don’t love myself. I thought I did when I was single but as soon as I tried to date someone I lost all confidence. I was willing to throw away everything I had going for myself to focus all of my attention onto one person. Unless that person is equally as in need of dependence this does not work out, in my experience. This time I tried to talk to someone who I knew was better for me than the boys in the past. I understand the external things that I need to make myself feel better. However, my internal self does not know how to follow suit. She bumbles along getting upset and feeling shame by any slight negative external interaction but feeling pride when receiving external praise. It is clear I have a need for external validation and that my inner sense of self is unable to convince me that I can function as an independent person.

It isn’t just about love though. Although that seems to be the portion of life that illuminates these insecurities the brightest. It is everything. When presented with the idea of asking my parents “do they think I am a good daughter?” or asking my friends “do they think I am a good friend?” or even asking my boss if they think I am a good employee, my face heats up and my stomach tightens. The idea terrifies me, because of what I will find out from asking these. Asking these questions would result in me discovering one of two things:

1. I am truly not a good daughter, friend, or employee. And I need to work on being better at these things in an effort to improve my self image.
2. I am a good daughter, friend, or employee I just lack the confidence/ ability to see it. What I need is some help improving my self esteem and confidence.

What do I do with this information? Is it even remotely accurate? I’m not sure. I don’t think I necessarily have a mental illness but I don’t think I am mentally healthy either. Am I being paranoid? That’s probably not a good sign. I don’t want to leave this off on that note. I don’t want to seem like a schizo.

I have many questions about myself. How come I am able to complete external challenges that I really wanted for myself, things that I thought would make me able to be an independent person. But once they’re completed, although I am happy about them I still have a desire to be with dependent upon someone. I feel like it sounds like I need a support group. But I just don’t want to be one of those people that goes to support groups? I just feel like they are corny and probably unhelpful. Plus what would I go to a support group for? And who the hell is going to take me seriously?

My life is absolutely perfect. I had the most amazing childhood and continue to have the best parents anyone could ask for. I have worked hard to make friendships and now I have awesome friends who I trust 100% and who are there for me 24/7. I have a great career on the way that I have been working hard to achieve. I have always gotten good grades and even managed to get myself an interview at one of the Big 4. I have successfully started and stuck to a work out routine for almost a year, and I have seen improvements to myself that make me very content with my overall appearance. So how come I am so easily willing to throw this all away?

I know that I would like these questions and many more answered, I also know that I like psychology. And to date my relationship with psychology has come as close to a passion as I have ever experienced in my life. It is something that I truly love for myself, it makes me feel excited to learn and help people. I do worry, however, that this hunger for psychological knowledge is a self-serving way to try to be my own personal therapist. And if I am so overly concerned with the way others will perceive me that the idea of going to therapy is enough to push me into an entirely different career path as a way to avoid peoples negative perceptions of those that go to therapy. It could also be that I am worried about the financial burden of going to therapy. It is also possible that I simply do not trust someone else to provide me with the right knowledge I need to “fix” myself.

As you can see, my inner monologue is scattered. My mind races through possibilities and situations and scenarios. The audiobook I am reading, Unfuck Yourself, tells me that this is because of a fear of uncertainty. This seems like the probable answer. I hate not knowing what will happen. I would say this fear even causes me to be impulsive at times and then rationalize my actions later. I am the queen of rationalizing. It has been my coping mechanism for many years but I am beginning to see the cracks in its foundation.

I want to move to a higher level of ethical thinking. Clearly, I am in an ethics class and today was the day we learned about pre-conventional, conventional, and post conventional ethical thinking. While only on stage 2 one of my best friends looks at me and whispers “that’s you”. And I had to agree because I think he is right. The point that he emphasized was thinking of “what’s in it for me” when making a conscious decision. I think this may be true, I think I am selfish. I always thought that being selfish and focusing on your own preferences was what everyone should do in life. I know there is an ethical word for this but it has slipped my mind. It’s the perspective that if everyone focuses on their best interest then everyone in life will be most fulfilled. I think I have taken this too far. This is simply one perspective and in ethics we critique this perspective for being unrealistic. Because most people in life do not think solely of their own needs, so if you are someone who does then societies benefit is not being maximized. You are simply being selfish.

I’ve lived selfishly for long enough. It will be hard for me to change my ways to be less selfish. It seems like something that would make me less happy, not more happy. But for some reason I don’t think I can truly love myself while I am this selfish person. All those “important” aspects of my life that I listed as perfect earlier. Yeah, and now think about the needs pyramid.

Those things are further down on the pyramid and I am slowly moving my way up. Although it seems hard right now to feel this way I hope that this self-actualization portion can round me out into the best possible person I can be. Maybe I just have such high standards for myself that I cannot be happy until I have reached the top of the pyramid.

Now I will leave this entry with one final thought I have: Is this entire rambling just me rationalizing my unhappiness/inability to be in a healthy relationship? And if so is that a bad thing?